I guess I was facing a serious psychological breakdown. One that never allowed me understand that it’s OK to fail sometimes. One that wouldn’t make me understand that failing is a part of life and that I could learn from my mistakes. One that kept this illusion in my head that I was only meant for greatness and that I had no room for excuses not failure. The voice in my head.
It was just like a voice in my head telling me you can’t do this,you can’t do that. My doctor says voices in the head are regarded as a symptom of mental illness. But wasn’t mine a friend??? An invisible friend that had my back at all times?? Wasn’t mine the only person that cared about my success and the only person who knew how I could make it in life?? Isn’t this the kind of voices each and everyone would love to have in their life??.
My doctor also says that I should accept that the voice belongs to me. That that is the first step in developing my own point of view and taking responsibility of myself. BUT HOW?? from what I know if the voice was mine I wouldn’t have achieved the much that I already have. The me that I know knows that it’s okay to suck, the voices I could hear if it was my own voice could be AM TIRED JUST SLEEP, LETS WATCH A MOVIE………the me I know is practically lazy so definitely the doctor is wrong. The one on my head knows no failure. The one on my head would feel that something is inherently wrong if I fail. So he is wrong,right??.
What you don’t know is that, the voice in my head made me selfish, proud, greedy and most of all evil. I can say it was building a monster inside of me. Everything I did was always for me that would mean I don’t care what happened to the people around me. I guess I even forgot what it meant to be humane. The voice in my head had made me invincible in a high level spiritual way. After all my future was more than just bright. At the age of 21 I knew what real progress was. This is usually the time many at my age suffer trying to achieve it in life.
This time round I think it took me too far and what I didn’t know is that this would be the start of my downfall. I didn’t know that my downfall would be the one to tell me the truth about the voice in my head and that I’d have to live with a certain degree of insecurity not knowing what the voice in my head would do to innovate and survive after leading me to the point that am in. Chained in an hospital pain mumbling what I couldn’t understand myself…………….
TO BE CONTINUED……..